This actually happened once and can never be repeated without setting someone up in advance, and there’s no guarantee it will work even then.

A group of us were sat around telling jokes when someone said “21”, and everyone laughed except my mate Gordon who was sitting next to me.

Next person said “35” and same thing happened. And so it continued until it came to my turn. I got the anticipated laughter and turned to my mate and said “Your turn next.”

He was bemused and couldn’t understand what was going on so I had to explain it to him. “We all know the jokes,” I said, “so we don’t bother telling the jokes we just give them numbers. Give it a go.”

So he thought of a number, let’s say it was 52, and everyone’s face was a blank as his. Not so much as a chuckle.

Totally bemused, Gordon turned to me for an explanation. I said “The joke was fine Gordon, it’s the way you tell ‘em”

On another occasion I went to see a mate of mine doing a pub gig. When he took a break I told him “You’re a good guitarist Greg and your singing isn’t bad, but your jokes are awful!” So I told him a joke and he went back onstage and ruined it 🙄 There’s a visual element to the joke which I can’t replicate here.

There’s a story I heard about a tourist who walked into a crowded pub in Ayreshire and sat down in the only available seat. Someone told him “That’s Robert Burns’ seat!” The tourist replied “I’m sorry, I’ll stand up if he comes in.” It was then explained to him that anyone who sat in that seat was expected to buy drinks for everyone in the bar 😅

Three Australians competed to see who could run a hundred yards in a set time and in the laziest manner.

The first bloke sprinted to the finishing line, sat down and had a smoke then casually walked across it. 

This was considered quite good but the next bloke thought he could do better. He sat down for awhile then casually strolled the course, stopping to smell the flowers. When he saw the time was running out he sprinted to the finishing line and crossed it just in time.

He thought he had nailed it but the third bloke carried off the prize when he said “Give it to the second bloke, I can’t be bothered.”

This was sent to me by a friend.

Once upon a time , there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. 

However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. 

In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.

A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end.  But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy able to breathe, he started to sing .. 

Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping investigated the sounds.  The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

The moral of the story:

1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.

2. Everyone who gets you out of the shite is not necessarily your friend.

3. And, if you’re warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut>