Many parliamentarians think of politics as a game they play until they’re offered a lucrative job in industry or the media, or can retire to the House of Bored Lords. Nobody knows the rules of the game, least of all those who are playing it, so please allow me to explain as best I can and excuse any mixed metaphors.

There are two main teams called The Government and The Opposition, and a few other teams who are waiting their turn. The Government are “In” and it’s the job of The Opposition to get them “Out”, then they change sides and start again. One team wears red shirts and the other blue just so we can tell which is which, but it doesn’t really matter as there is no real difference.

The number of members on each team will depend on how many fans they have – sort of, it’s a bit more complicated than that. But the biggest team will be The Government and the second largest will be The Opposition. The Captain of each team will pick a few of his players to be front row players, called Ministers, the rest of their team will act as reserves and cheerleaders. The Captain can swap their team around as much as they like and even demote a Minister who isn’t playing according to the playbook. Each team publishes its playbook, called a Manifesto, before the game starts, but nobody bothers to read it as it’s likely to change if the bookies think The Government will lose.

There’s a referee, called The Speaker, who is supposed to see that all players play by rules. This isn’t a very difficult job as there are very few rules, yelling at the referee for being biased is one of them. In most sports the referee blows a whistle to get players attention, The Speaker does it by shouting “Order, order” until he/she is red in the face and frequently ignored. The Whistleblower has a different job in a game of Politics, they’re non-players who are allowed admission to the dressing room so they have inside knowledge of the team’s plans. On occasion they will leak this information to the press so that punters (you and me) can see what’s really going on behind the scenes.

The game starts with The Government throwing something called a Policy at The Opposition who kick it back. There’s a series of kicking back and forth until both teams get fed up and start shouting abuse at each other and it ends in what’s called a scrum.

Both sides are trying to get their hands on the Policy, but a little guy in the middle gets it and passes it to his mate who runs off with it. He has several options, and how the game proceeds will depend on his choice.

• He can line up the teams and throw the Policy and see who catches it.

• He can pass it to a player on the Government reserve team, who was placed as Left Right Back, who can introduce it as something called a Private Members Bill.

• He can pass it on to one of the teams that are waiting.

• He can kick into the long grass and all the players waste time hunting for it

• He could throw it into the crowd and let the punters decide.

Sometimes the Policy gets so kicked around in the mud that it becomes unrecognisable and has to be replaced, but the Policy is not the object of the game – the object is to achieve power and the Policy is used as the means of doing so – just as an arrow is not the target but an instrument for hitting one’s target. Sometimes the Policy ends up doing the opposite of what the Government intended, this is called an “own goal”. They’re quite common in the game of Politics, as are u-turns. These occur when a player is uncertain about where his opponent goal is and turns around and, if he’s wrong, scores an own goal. If he discovers his error he needs to do another u-turn, but if he does too many he’s likely to be carried off the field suffering from vertigo.

Sometimes a player will switch sides mid-season, this is called “crossing the floor”. Although frowned upon, this is within the non-existent rules of the game. If they’ve chose The Government side they won’t need to worry about being chosen for the team next season as they’re rewarded with a seat in the House of Bored Lords, essentially a retirement home for politicians. In return for occasional reserve duties when called upon, they can fall asleep on the benches and receive a £361 per day attendance allowance, plus travel expenses and subsidised restaurant facilities. 

The current captains of the two top teams are Cur Starmer and Demi Badenough, but Niggle Farago’s team is at the top of the second division and looking forward to promotion. To prevent that from happening they’ve both bought copies of his playbook in the hope they can shaft the punters (that’s us) before he does.